Differences of Lives: Past, Future and Where I’m At Now

I have been wondering as of late, why did I choose this as my career? Why did I choose one of the hardest industries to get into as my career choice? Not many people can decide what to do with their lives but I knew when I was in the third grade that I would have a career that involved writing. I hated writing before I went into the third grade but my teacher, Mrs. Fritz, was the coolest teacher and she didn’t make writing feel like something I had to do for school but something I wanted to do. I knew that writing was my calling. However, as time wore on I found other things that were my calling as well. When I was twelve I went to girl’s camp and I was in our skit as King Solomon and I knew that acting was my calling then. Then I started going to public school in high school and film and photography was my passion. I love all of them, writing, acting, filming and photography. I knew that I wanted to do something with my life that included all of them. I chose the film industry because I could do everything that way. I could write, direct, act in and produce my own movies and they would all need set dressers and I can take pictures on my breaks of what was going on around me. This was perfect for me. However, I had to choose just one to go to school for. I chose film because I’m not the greatest expert when it comes to parts of it and I want to emerge myself into this and learn all aspects.
There were road blocks though; the main one: money. Money and the lack there of. So to help to achieve to go to school for this I went to work because I couldn’t get very much in scholarships, it never even paid a quarter of one year’s tuition and it’s a four year school. I’m not going there anymore but I’m still paying off one year and so I can’t really afford to pay for another school until I finish paying this one. I found the school I really want to go to and can afford to but getting there is going to be hard because I have to pay for living and living there is expensive, they don’t have dorms so I have to live on my own off campus. That seems to be going right but right now I’m feel as though I’m not doing anything with my life.
As I started with I started wondering and questioning myself. I can’t help but wonder, am I having a midlife crisis before I’m even 20? I realized that when I started this blog I was having the time of my life and I wanted people to see the cool people that I interacted with on a daily basis. Most of them I have no idea as to who they were or what their stories were. I just asked random questions. Most of them loved it and I know my friends loved going around and doing that sort of thing. I haven’t even been able to put any videos up and that was the reason I started this. I love going through these videos but my computer rejects the ones that I do have. The rest were either stolen or in my camera that went over Niagra Falls. I had fun in living in New Jersey. I had weekends off and my friends lived in NYC so I could go up and stay with them and we went everywhere on weekends. We went to Niagra Falls, camping in Maine, skiing in Vermont, went down to Miami for the heck of it, sky diving in Washington state, went do to Washington D.C. for the inauguration and even went up to Vancouver in Canada a few times. I was living and having a great time. However, here I seem to be withdrawing and going back to who I was when I was in elementary school. A girl who didn’t get out and didn’t have fun. It’s not as though I don’t try to get out but it seems that every time I do go out something happens that throws things off. Why is it that I had no trouble making friends when I was living in New Jersey and Indianapolis, here, I’m surrounded by family but even then sometimes I don’t feel welcome and I have been here since April? I don’t even feel welcome at church. There is one place where I feel like I belong here but I don’t want to think that that is the only place where I can be around people who know me and accept me for me. The only place is at work and I hate going half the time because I have to work at the Chinese kitchen half the time and the rest of the time I’m working produce but I love working produce. There I have people who I consider to be my equals. They are all my age and we all are going to school for the same industry. Film; a common denominator that brings us together. Maybe I’m not questioning my career choice; maybe I’m questioning my place in this world? Where am I supposed to be at that I can do what I want to do, but also feel like I belong?